A few days ago I found myself wrapped in a sudden and captivating conversation with a lovely young lady while walking home. We talked for what seemed to be hours: Politics, the Obamas, the entertainment industry, race, God, relationships, etc. were among the various topics of discussion. She spoke about the current state of her relationship and I spoke to her about my wife, who so happens to be from Brazil. This is when the conversation took a rather peculiar, yet, familiar turn. As her eyes started rolling to the back of her head and her neck made that infamous swirl, the predictable questions began to flow: "Why are you brothers always dating or marrying outside your race?" I thought to myself: “Here we go again?” I actually made the bone headed mistake of dignifying her question with an answer, I should have known better: “Actually, my wife is a woman of color.” And suddenly it happened, a question straight out of the Twilight Zone: "Is your wife obviously Black?" Now this was new. "Is my wife obviously Black? You're not 'obviously Black'. Your hair is about as straight as my wife's and my wife is actually darker than you?" Oddly enough the conversation ended quite cordially. However, it got me thinking.
"You know no other woman understands and relates to the unique challenges you have as a Black man." This was one of the more interesting points she made in which I couldn't agree more. However, what she failed to realize is that no man can ever truly know or relate to the unique obstacles that a woman endures and vice versa. So whatever the relationship, the differences and the challenges they bring is inevitable. That's why it's a relationship. That's why it's called love. It's work, no matter who you're with. Quite frankly the perpetually odd complexity of this issue has grown rather old and tired. Boy meets girl, girl meets boy, they click, they connect and they mate. Really, it is no more complicated than that. Grant it, you still do have a segment of people who loathe themselves and their own so, that they actually see dating or marrying outside their particular group (especially someone who is white), as a status symbol. There are those who go outside their respective group as an act of rebellion. And of course, there are those who date and marry outside their race, merely out of curiosity.
Whatever the case, loving someone outside of one’s race and culture, is hardly cause for psychoanalysis or in some cases derogatory labels; nor does it mean one has necessarily distanced themselves from who they are, where they come from, or the reality of their circumstances. Will any of us dare say that the likes of Frederick Douglas, Paul Robeson, Sidney Poitier, Marian Wright Elderman and a slew of other icons of color, who have found love in another shade, were and are somehow out of touch or not "keepin' it real?" Like the great deal of Blacks who have found love beyond their community, my reality is a daily reminder, that no matter my status or spouse, the unique challenges I endure are not at all reduced by my wife's complexion.
Copyright JLI 2008
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